Stuck in the Dark
by arc.black
Summary: Lily, Sirius doesn't always understand sarcasm. It's not always a useful tool. [Lily and the Maurauders are stuck in a closet.]
1. Stuck

"It's dark in here."

"Thank you for observing that, Padfoot."

"All because you're my best friend doesn't mean you can be snotty to me…"

"Shut up, Padfoot."

"Thank you Moony, he needed that."

"POTTER! It is all YOUR bloody fault we are bloody stuck in here! I will never forgive you for this!"

"Well, excuse _me _for breathing, your Majesty."

"Are there any butter cookies in here…?"

"Yes, there's one stuck up my nose."

"Really, Padfoot?"

"Yes, but don't check. And I 'm not Padfoot. I am not Sirius Black."

"Really? What are you then?"

"A giraffe. And you aren't really Peter Pettigrew, either!"

"Well, I _never_! What am I then?"

"You're an imbecile."

"Siri –_us_!"

"Stop whining, Wormtail."

"POTTER! Get us out of here!"


	2. Minions!

"Well…hmm…what are our options, again, Padfoot?"

"Worst case scenario, we stay stuck in here and die."

"Best case scenario?"

"Er…do you like me, James?"

"Yeah…I mean, you're my best friend, right?"

"Okaaay, so you're not going to kill me when I say…"

"When you say what?"

"That there is no best case scenario?"

Silence.

"You know, Padfoot? I might just change my mind about killing you."

"Don't kill the messenger!"

"Yeah, and who's the overlord?"

"Um, the….um…giraffe!"

"The _giraffe. _Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Let's guess why I don't believe that!"

"Yeh…the one with…butter cookies up its nose! You believe in the power of the giraffe-with-butter-cookies- up- its-nose. You believe in the…hold on, GWBCUIN, you belive in the guhwuhbuhkuh-ooeen. The guhwuhbuhkuh-ooeen."

"WILL YOU TWO STOP ACTING LIKE IDIOTS! I HAVE EXAMS TO STUDY FOR, YOU KNOW!"

"I didn't know she had that much voice."

"Me neither."

"Miss Evans, so do I. So does everyone stuck here in this closet. So if you wouldn't mind waiting until James and Sirius figure out a way to get us out of this mess."

"Thank you, Moony."

"I CRAVE A BUTTER COOKIE!"

"I didn't know _he _had that much voice either…"

"MY MINIONS! I THANK YOU FOR ARRIVING AT THE MEETING ON TIME…"

"Who the fuck is that?"


	3. shex

"I AM THE GIRAFFE!"

"Whaaat?"

"Prongs, does that mean Sirius was right?"

"HAHA! I got you all good…"

"Well, let's see if we can."

"What?"

"You know…do it."

"Um, Miss Evans?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you going to see if you can have sex?"

"Who said anything about sex?"

"…"

"oh, right."

"I'm bored."

"Oh, really? Well, there's loads to do round here."

"Mm."

"Butter cookies…"

"Shut up, Wormtail."

"Oh, my God, I am so freaking BORED!"

"What, y'think?"


	4. Paper bags

"Hey, Prongs, check it out!"

"What?"

"A paper bag!"

"You're kidding me."

"No, I swear, look!"

"I can't see, dumbass."

"Well, here. Feel!"

"Padfoot, that would be my butt."

"Sorry Moony. Hey, Prongs, where are you?"

"Right here, you idiot."

"Where? I can't see!"

"Is your next line going to be, "Who turned out the lights?"

"No, actually, it was going to be - "

"Lily, Sirius doesn't always understand sarcasm. It's not always a useful tool."

"Shut up, Moony!"

"Give that paper bag here, Padfoot. I need a piss."

"WORMTAIL! Do you honestly think I'm going to waste a perfectly good paper bag on your...bodily needs?"

"What, you want me to pee on the floor?"

"..."

"..."

"...Noooooo..."

"Then gimme the paper bag!"

"NEVAH!"

"Wormtail, do you think you can hold - um, ew. I mean, er - PADFOOT!"

"Yes, Moony, dear?"

"GIVE HIM THE PAPER BAG!"

"Why?"

"Prongs, you tell him."

"Tell him what?"

"Stop checking me out, Potter!"

"I can't, dear Lily. It's too dark to do it properly."

"James, explain to Sirius that this is a matter of life and death and if he doesn't hand over the bag, we may not only end up in a dark closet, but a dark closet full of Peter's...liquid body wastes."

"Padfoot, give Moony the bag, or we'll end up standing in Wormtail's shit."

"Thank you. Here, you go, Peter."

"..."

"..."

"That feels loads better."

"DON'T SAY THAT WHEN I CAN HEAR YOU! I'M A LADY!"

"Sorry, Lily."

"Um, Moony?"

"Yes, Prongs?"

"I've just realised something."

"Don't tell me you have to go too, Potter. Okay, everyone, out of the closet, we need everyone to go take a fucking piss?"

"Miss Evans, your language is atrocious - "

"DON'T YOU REPRIMAND ME, MISTER I -CAN-SAY-WHATEVER-I-DAMN-WELL-PLEASE! IT'S YOUR FAULT - "

**"AS I WAS SAYING! **Guys, and girl - Peter just shit into a paper bag."

"Give us something we don't know for a change, Prongs."

"Shut it, Padfoot. He shit into a _paper bag._"

"Shit!"

"Piss, actually."


End file.
